It's official...my dad is dying.

Do you ever wonder if you're meant for something more? Recently, I was sitting next to a friend and she said, "I wish I still had my mother." This got me to think, why does everyone take everything for granted? What about those who have everything, and want so much more?


replies please.

So I drove to Tyler at 8 am this morning to meet Josh (the current boyfriend) anyway, lol. We spent an hour and a half looking for each other because we both got lost, then when we found each other we just sat and talked for hours. It was nice.

And completely worth the drive. :)

I really hope to make it soon.


Anyway, I'm moving to San Marcos tomorrow permenantly for the school year. I'm nervous as hell.


</3 Hannah

I'm so dizzy.


Anyway, it's funny how people always change when they're around that one certain person. Have you noticed that? Someone just said to me, "Hannah, you can't love other people if you don't love yourself" The truth? I have never had any self esteem. Why? My father has always been the cause of this. When I was little, and older, he would tell me that I was either too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short. Of course, I was the geekiest child around. I had braces, I was overweight, bad skin, and glasses. :) Well, the thing is, I'd never be acceptable to him because I was not of the male species. My two brothers, who of course, are perfect to him, will always be my brothers. My oldest brother Dave, is perfect.

When I was a kid, my father molested me. Right before Lee Michael died, he said, "Hannah, don't stop. Don't ever stop running and fighting." My friend Steph just recently asked me, "Han, why are you so angry?" This was my answer: "Angry that I let my father talk down to me and leave no self esteem, angry that I let him molest me when I was a kid, angry that I let my rape happen, angry that I let people walk all over me, angry that i let myself get cancer, angry that i push everyone away, angry that i never seem to do anything right."


That's it. That was my answer. As crazy as it seems, that was it. Her reply?: Han, you know the funny thing is... NONE
11:20
of that IS your fault
11:20
people DID that to YOU
11:20
YOU DIDNT do that to yourself
11:20
You DIDNT do that


I guess she's right. The thing is though, I can't let these things go. They haunt me and forever have. Forever will as it seems.

Peace out.

I have to keep out thoughts of you, to keep from losing my mind. Why is it I can't seem to get over you, no matter how much I try? I want what I can't have. Don't we always want what we can't have? My heart always bleeds for those who have no bloody tears to weep. I wish I could say that it's easy for me to smile, yet when it is it is always fake. People always swallow more than they can chew. Sometimes, that's just how things turn out. In a really sick way, I wanna thank this one person for saving me from myself. Before I met him, I was a wreck. People compliment me on things I wasn't aware were qualities of mine. Sometimes a compliment is too much to take. It's hard, you know? People assume you know who you are, you know where you're going, when only, you only know what day it is. It's always too hard to take and too hard to see. There's a person in Dallas that swore to me he would never leave me. He's been one of my best friends for nearly two years. Only he wasn't aware that I'm still depressive, that I still hate who I am. Someone once told me that they hated me for everything that had happened to them. Sometimes, people just hate themselves more than they can bare to state. This certain person in Dallas, asked me to move in with him. Wanting to more than anything else, I told him that I could not. Why? Because I'm too insecure to admit that the only time I really really smile, is when he's cracking a joke and what not.

When I was little, my dad was on drugs and my mother was a severe alcoholic. My father, who is still a drug addict, constantly puts me down and criticizes me. My mother, who went to rehab for her problems, does not know how to be a mother. Both have caused me depression since I was a kid. Though I'm trying to come out of it, it's still hard.

I remember bits and pieces from my childhood, little to write home about. Anyway, here's a song I wrote for this certain person in Dallas.

Much love and hate,

Hannah


Verse 1:

She smiled like she knew me
Just the way a lover would
The shades of green that held my eyes,
Told me a secret she'd never shook

I wanted what I couldn't have
But now she awaits my arrival
Her scent flowing through the doorway
A seductress smiles
She's waiting for me.

Chorus:

Her fingertips pulling on my skin,
Her teeth gripping my lips
She whispers in my ear
"Let's create a new sin"

Her lips traced across my chest
My name flowing from her lips,
So hot with love
Nearly too hot to touch

Naked and twisted in my sheets
She runs her fingers through her hair
Wishin' she were beautiful
Wishin' she were beautiful

Chorus:

Verse 2:

She whispered one last phrase
Before she walked away
"You have stolen a piece of my heart"
Here she turned into a ghost
Right before my eyes
A kiss on my neck and
She waved goodbye


Chorus.

It's hard to realize what you need after you've already lost it. Sometimes thing are best to be lost, other times, it's better to just fight for what you lost in the first place.


So what is it I lost and never found?: A heart.


Xoxo,

H.

I could cry from pure happiness right about now.


*sigh* Someone hug me.

I'm completely infatuated with someone that no longer wants anything to do with me. I need a damn log to hit myself on the head with.



I <3 W.T.




Ugh.

Signing out,
H.

Yeah, okay. So maybe I DO have problems with relationships. That's only because I don't trust anyone, I mean, com'on, why should I? Most people let you down. It's hard to trust people when you have hardly anyone worth trusting in your life. Ugh. I don't know what to talk about.


I leave next week for Galveston, and then on to San Marcos. Wish me luck.


<3 H

Maybe I'm just tired of all the bullshit. Anyone and everyone that cares about me, I run from because I'm scared of getting too close, scared of letting go and never gaining a good grip again. I run from everyone and everything I've ever known because in all honesty, they know me better than I know myself. To admit something like that would be to break down the guard I've held up all my life, the one that protects me from hurt once again.

It's hard, losing grip. You think you know everyone around you, but really, you really only know the colors of the sky. I just pissed off one of my best friends because I couldn't accept the fact that maybe they actually truly cared about me, and now they won't even answer my phone calls. The worst part? Knowing that I pushed them away, knowing that I love them and despite all that, I still pushed them away. I wish I had said something different, instead I pushed away one of the most important human beings in my life. People say be careful what you wish for, but they don't realize the opposite irony of that entire phrase. If we wished we could turn back what we said or did, then wishes would just be a dream away.

H.

I really need a day off from work. That fucking Mary Jane is about to drive me nuts. Anyway, I'm going to a Dashboard Confessional concert with Mallory and perhaps Howard if he can make up his mind...YEAH! And then my mum and I are heading on to Galveston for a few days as our summer vacation. I'm ready. I'm ready to go. I'm tired of being here.

LOVE.

H.

According to everyone,

I have problems with committment. How nice.

Hellllloooo everyone-

Guess what? I'm home wick with strep throat. Anyway, like I care.

Meh, my phone bill was astronomical. Ooooh, by the way (ADD), I saw April F. at Betty Boop's the other day, I havent' seen her since freshman year. She moved to Georgia (not the state, country) with her family. It was so great seeing her again. Boy can I tell you.

Anyway, I emailed Dori about putting Indpendence (My steer) on Honor Show feed but apparently she'd rather not answer my email or phone calls. That pisses me off. I put a few grand into this project and she won't even return my calls or emails. I need an answer soon. I've got a few shows coming up and I need to know if he's going to be in good enough shape to show. Otherwise, I'm gonna kick someone's ass.

My gosh I'm tired, but more hyper than anything if that makes any sense. I took my first sick day for the first time in a year or so. Talk about a workaholic. So I have about a month before I move to San Marcos for sure, I'm very excited. I'm not sure exactly who will be my roommate, but I leave early for San Marcos for Dance Camp so I can make the Dance Team for the fighting whatever they are. Lol. I don't know. I'm just ready to get out of Crockett. It's awful here. The other day I drove to Houston and ran into one of my co workers. Which is ridiculous considering Crockett is not near the populated city that Houston is. I was in shock. It's amazing how many people you know once you live somewhere for so long.

Skip (My new pup) has grown at least a foot since I got him, he's so cute. I guess that's all for now. I'll post some pictures of my steer for ya'll later.

Much love- H.

Happy 4th everyone, and no, it's not happy.

I'm going to scream. SOMEONE IM ME. now.

Hulllooooo everyone-


Okay, so maybe waking up at 5 am every morning for the past two weeks has gotten to me. Riiight. So I went to Waco, won my show, made everyone happy, and made around a grand. Which is awesome, by the way. I've also been deemed psycho by most of my friends, but who cares. We all knew THAT was coming. My bro is moving, which is cool, but everything else is going okay I guess. I'm working on my third book, which could take awhile since I'm busy most of the time, but hey, at least I have it going on...

I can't wait to move to San Marcos, everything is on track right now, which is exactly what I needed in the first place. Everyone is doing perfect, which is another good thing. Anyway, I move to San Marcos on the 5th of August, and two of my best friends live within an hour of San Marcos, so my world is perfect right about now. The only thing is, Hadley lives in Lubbok which is like, 8 hours away from where I live. He's so awesome. Anyway, happy holidays. I love ya'll. (Yes, I'm DEFINITELY being country right about now.)...

Much love,

H.

Soooo, I got 5 inches cut off my hair, then my mum made me get it fixed, so now I'm missing 10 inches of hair. But I like it, it works for me.

So I'm moving to San Marcos. Yay! Not. I love the city, just not so much the school. I really need sleep, I haven't really slept for a week straight. Anyway, I honestly dunno what to write about. So, that's it.

I love you people...

I am having the craziest week of my entire life. I actually, for the first time in my life, don't know how to put it.


Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. - Neil Gaiman


This pretty much speaks for me right now. But it's not so much love, it's everything else. I was lying in bed at 3 a.m. this morning, and I couldn't sleep. Then, I started to cry. After I started to cry, I started to laugh. Then, in conclusion, I got up and started playing with legos. This is the conclusion of this year for me. Lmao. I don't know why, but I've had more joy in my life today than I've ever had. It's crazy. My best friend tells me that he loves me as more than a friend, my brother is sick again, my other brother is getting married, and I'm heartbroken. It's insane. You know, I spent an hour today flirting with this guy that works at the pharmacy. Maybe I'm going nuts, I don't know. I hate Christmas, but maybe it's starting to get to me.

Mason and I are talking about growing old together, and needless to say, I actually want it. I trust him more than I trust myself or anyone else. He's been there for me from day one and vice versa.

I think I'll be OK. On a more appropriate note, for those of you who read my journal, I'd like for you to post what you think is the meaning of life if you please. You don't have to, but I'd appreciate it.

Thanks everyone.

Peace~ H.

I really don't get it. What is the big deal about Christmas? I hate it. I hate everything and everyone right now. My brother is sick again and no one seems to care that both he and I are dying inside over it. We're all each other has left. It kills me inside, it's killing him inside. We both know that he might not make it, but I refuse to accept the truth until he actually doesn't. I really need someone to talk to right now, and I have no one. I can't stand it. I really want to cut right now.

I need Mack. I don't belong here, I don't fit in. I'm still trying to figure out why Mack left me when I needed him most. Maybe he hate me now, or left me because I needed to let go. Either way, my happiest moments were when I were with him. I'm chasing after a dream that ceases to ever come true. Maybe I'm just stupid. That's probably why.

Someone told me yesterday that I would be better off if I lived as a recluse for the rest of my life. Finish school and live life alone. I've always been better off alone, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have no social skills, I'm bad at relationships, I suck at friendships, I suck at being in crowds, I hate humanity. I'm better at keeping my feelings to myself, along with my problems.

My best friend had an abortion today, she has yet to contact me. I'm worried about her. I know she needs someone to cry on, or talk to, I only wish I could be there for her. But I also know that she will come when she's ready.

This year I will be spending Christmas alone. Needless to say, I don't care. Usually I would be spending Christmas with Mack, but I am not. Obviously. I have been abandoned yet again. It happens so often, that I wonder why I have yet to end my own life. Though I have tried numerous times, something keeps holding me back.

I was standing in the grocery store today after work, and this woman rudely cuts in front of me in line. What the hell?

You know, sometimes I wonder if I should have run away when I was in California. Just left. Sometimes I wish I had.

I miss talking to Aaron, it has been months since we have had an actual conversation. It would seem that I am losing most everyong. Heh, what else is new?

I keep have the same dream, where my father kills me and drags me out the front door in broad daylight. I heard from him today, wanted to insult me using my intelligence. OF course, I am probably stupid. But why not pretend that I'm not? I dunno, I just really need someone to tell me that everything will be okay. I know that it would be a lie, but one that would make me feel secure. Make the people closest to me feel secure. I want what is best for them, which could be for me just to leave them all. Spare them the hurt that I cause. I don't know.

I hate life.

Despite what you all say how I'm not alone in this, I am. Obviously, if I weren't alone, I wouldn't have started sobbing uncontrollably at lunch today while my friends watched in wonder to why I might be crying.

When everyone else is gone, no one will be left standing next to me near my last breath.


I'm tired of caring.